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INTROSPECTIVE bullshit

2009-08-09T16:22:44Z

I've gotten so accustomed to patterns in my life that I always expect that, when the pattern is disrupted, it will slowly ebb back into comfortable normalcy when voids are refilled by new people, new hobbies, new fixations. It's because at some point I found myself in a predicament when I had a proper balance of friends, lovers, hobbies, or whatever, that whenever something is lost from the equation I seek desperately to replace it and maintain the structure of my own little security bubble. Maybe the metaphor works better with some kind of cube, and each little piece of my puzzle is a side of the cube.

The first comfort cube I can remember was Salavowl and Kitiara and Race and myself. It lasted for a number of years, all of us being friends together, and Salavowl and I the inexorable romantic couple in regular japanese fashion. People could plainly SEE how we felt but nevertheless we were the Kagome and Inuyasha of the internet RP chatroom world.

When that was gone I had Smiley, Tak, Fork-O and Tril. Ha, Meike. We were such great friends and I don't even really remember much about the time we spent together. And after it ended because of some abusive relationship I got into I spent a lot of years trying to get Meike back as a friend again, despite her flaming disinterest. I think I recently deleted her off of my AIM list because I would always see her sign on and I would always be reminded of how much she didn't want to hear from me. It was hard for me to accept that she didn't want the friendship back despite how much I did, and how close we were. We were more than friends, we were partners in crime. It wasn't really my fault the friendship ended in the first place. Chris manipulated my feelings and made me believe things that weren't true and I rejected them. Perhaps it's wrong to put the blame on someone other than myself, but I understand how it seemed to the people I hurt and I won't fault them for blaming me.

It made me so angry that Meike would so readily forget about me. Perhaps it wasn't as readily as it seems to me. She was probably quite hurt and spent a lot of days pining, and when I came back she'd already moved on. Why can't we go back to the past and relive the feelings we once had? Well fuck that. If she is so willing to forget I exist when I sometimes stumble over her art on the internet and miss what we had, then I'm not going to waste my energy. I'll just forget about her and it isn't going to bother me. What a disgrace for that friendship to end in unspoken animosity. But I tried several times to rekindle what we had, and she let it die every time. This is her decision. The adult thing to do would be to say orevwa and good luck to her, but I'm content to resent her for the rest of my life, no matter how childish or immature that may seem. It's my own personal grievance and no one else needs to know about it. Besides, it's not as if I'd reject her angrily if she out of some miracle tried to restart our friendship. My resentment toward her is just how I dealt and still deal with it.

After her there was the long escapade with Chris, the other sides of the cube made up by my Avariel friends in the chatroom and the roleplay. Roleplay by the way has always been a part of the cube, it was the hobby that bound my friends and I together. I don't have a lot to say about Chris. He was a learning experience, and I know that over the years he still hasn't really changed. He's still the writhing, whimpering ball of pain, self-isolation, and insecurity in a mylar wrapper of arrogance, pretentiousness, misplaced elitism, exaggeration and outright lies ina vain attempt to somehow make himself feel better than the rest of the world, or at least make himself think he can compete with the world's most successful, only too happily forgetting by how more than anyone else, he lies to himself the most.

After Chris was brief stint of loss of personal identity I try not to remember, but no one here really affected me deeply enough to have altered my structural foundation as a person.

There was Luna, and how wonderful he was for the few months we had together. He was the first person I was with who I felt I was on the same level with, and had the same level of intelligence without feeling overwhelmed or belittled. I thought he was one in a million. He is, really, but I don't think it's possible to get back what we had again, or that it's really a good idea. I still had some Avariel friends as my backup crowd.

After Luna there was probably... Tiberius, I think. I joined his RP guild in Ultima Online. Tiberius is still my good friend. He's actually quite unique, and if I didn't know him, I wouldn't think anyone like him existed. We have a turbulent past, fraught with romance and lies and all the usual creme fillings. Yet while it took me a full year or so to really forgive him, we are both now able of shedding whatever happened in the past and be friends for the very reason that we respect each other and there's no real reason we shouldn't be friends. Anything that happens between us doesn't change our inner characters, and we can easily shed any past differences and just choose to agree with each other.

It's a really fortuitous friendship. While sometimes he isn't quite the person I think I want to talk to about certain things, the fact that he'll always be there, no matter how many months I haven't IMed him, he won't hold it against me and we'll spring into conversation just like we were the closest of friends. He will always be there and it's a great comfort that even when I feel like I have nothing, I still have him, whatever that may mean at the time.

Then of course there's meek, who I still vaguely try to rein back into my life. We could talk for hours if we wanted to. Conversation comes so easily to us, whether it's politics or games or writing or superheroes or the human genome or whatever. But of course OUR past is fraught with romance and lies and broken promises and all the same kind of turbulence that ruins all friendships. And unlike TIberius he can't just easily let go of it and try to be friends regardless of whatever happened.

I realize that no one is ever really going to read through all of this. This is more of a personal record of my past comfort cubes and I know no one is really interested in those fine details of my life. But now that you've reached this short paragraph, whoever you are, know that I'm finally drawing to my conclusion.

Since meek, I've never been able to rebuild my cube. I've tried for the last few years to have a network of friends, a main best friend, and a hobby that binds them all together. But while I stick to my old methods of trying to scrounge together a working system of people around me, it just doesn't quite satisfy me. The friend is never really THAT interested in me. The group of other friends never really accepts me, or I can never really accept them. The hobby is...

You know I just can't get it back.

I can't get a friend the way I wanted.

I can't have the ambience of a decent chatroom.

And I feel so dismantled and alone and insecure and it's all really starting to get to me and no one knows how often I think darker things that I know I really shouldn't be considering, but I don't talk about it because I know how it'd be interpreted. I'd stop being a miserable person in their eyes and start becoming a redundant project, a faceless member of emofreaks.org who aren't really people, just defeatist mechanisms that draw nourishment from attention and polite lies.

And what to do?

Keep trying, I guess. What other choice do I have than to persevere?

Time always moves forward and there's no fighting it.

If we're supposed to let go of our past, then why do we have such vivid memories?

down down the rollercoaster

2009-08-09T04:41:28Z

Yeah I don't think I'm going back to #roleplayerguild. I called everyone an idiot and then left for a few days, came back to find myself deopped (after I was reopped a couple days ago). So, really, fuck it. I don't need to be in that place. I know the rest of the internet isn't as stupid as the gaggle of hormone driven, complex-riddled, all-knowing freaking teenagers that swim around in that viscous cesspool of drool and snack pack tapioca pudding from their bag highschool lunches. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people younger than me. I met Paskal in that place and he's 17 and he's very cool. But most of them are the sort of people who think it's a clever retort to pick on your wording when you say something, like...

"Shut up fag."

"A fag is a cigarette!" That isn't CLEVER and neither is youre cute little attempt to look unfazed by the insult. I don't care if you ARE fazed but it's that teenage smugness that makes me wish I had banned you when I had the chance.

Or something like...

"You're a dick."

"I HAVE a dick?"

Don't even PRETEND you don't know what I mean, this isn't FUNNY and it's not CLEVER and I'd much prefer you retort back with something WORTH MY WHILE than that stupid third grader shit.

Something with a sense of humor somewhere between something awful and 4chan would be ideal.

But I need a chatroom because I love the ambience. Someone once asked me what I meant by that but I always thought it was obvious. A chatroom provides an ambient background setting with a lot of different people having conversation that if you want you can join or even just start one. And it's impersonal so it's not like you're IMing someone and putting them in a spot.

I COULD go to that place but now Baker jumps on me whenever I enter and is like HAI CROW and I'm like shut up fag and he's like I LOVE YOU TOOO LOLOLOLOLS WE'RE JUST JOKING BUT NOT REALLY I LIKE MAKING FUN OF YOU LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZZZ

God I'd like that place to be the Columbine high school and my keyboard to be an ak-47.

Fuck that place though, seriously, I have no patience and too much dignity to wade through a place like that. Mahz might be cool in a certain setting but really he's a tremendous dick that gets some kind of high off this place.

Although Jason isn't a bad person to talk to you get a feel for how underlyingly stupid he is when he goes into cyber chatrooms and tries to trick boys into thinking he's a girl so he can say "do u want 2 touch my cawk." I mean is that really something someone does for entertainment? Sure, yeah, I guess, but not the type of person I want to associate with.

But I need a new place and I'm not sure where to go. Back to tropers? I think not. They're all way too... tropey. Everything is tropes. It's so painfully on-topic.

I need something FRESH and HIP and CHILLAXED and with half a brain and PERHAPS some closeness to my actual age range. I don't want to typically be a decade older than half the population.

But wheeeeeere. Maybe one of these webcomics has an IRC channel. I don't know.

Not Dominic Deegan. Ugh. Just from looking at the FANART I don't want to associate with the people who like that comic. EGS, eh... you get a lot of furries (the bad idiotic kind, not the conservative tolerable kind) and younger people who like highschool settings. Sluggy Freelance seems like my best bet, really.

Argh, I feel so bipolar and I'm at a low right now. I hate being alone. No one's answering my texts and no one's online and I am so frustrated.

Also this web-posting widget sucks, Livejournal.

I keep scraping my finger against my desk as I type GODDAMNIT.

I'm taking a bath. -_-

sparrowking @ 2009-07-30T09:29:00

2009-07-30T15:09:52Z

"Rowan." Aeacus furrowed his bushy eyebrows at the doorway. It was dark in his office, and he couldn't make out the face of the silhouette against the light from the other room. But he could tell that his left sleeve was hanging lifeless and empty. Rowan's usual hunched over posture spoke volumes of his weariness. No one ever looked as weighed down as that shadow of a man. "What are you doing here? I thought you went home hours ago."

Rowan shuffled inside. Aeacus could hear him dragging his feet across the marble floor until he all but collapsed into the nearby armchair. The light from the doorway highlighted his face, now. As usual, his overlong hair hid his missing eye from view. Over the last few years, his dark hair had acclimated more and more gray to it. He seemed to be aging beyond his years. The shadow covered the unscathed half of his face, and Aeacus could not make out Rowan's expression.

"Well?" Aeacus leaned on his desk and folded his arms. He wasn't going to have time for this if all Rowan planned to do was be moody and quiet.

"Aeacus, I think..." Rowan said, his voice barely a whisper. "I think that I... I'm going to die."

"Pardon?" Aeacus resisted rolling his eyes. Melodrama again? Honestly, Rowan was such a child. "You're fine, Rowan. Nothing's wrong with you."

"You're wrong." Rowan rested his head against the back of the chair. His long hair cascaded out of his face. Both of his eyes were closed. One, as usual, looked much unhealthier than the other. "I feel like I'm slipping away. Something is happening to me."

Aeacus lowered his head and massaged his forehead. He had never been the same after he'd come back from that Illex place. He couldn't rightly blame the man, no one would be the same after an experience like that. Rowan had surely seen so many people die, knowing that he himself could be next at any given moment. That fear erodes a man, sawing at his core like a file. His tiresome empathy for the lesser races must have started there too, cooped up with Unseelie and Aria for how many years. Still, he didn't think all that damage had been irreversible. He knew Rowan was strong enough to dismiss the past and exist in the present, and plan for the future. He just wasn't trying, and was letting that fear and defeat overcome him. Rowan was choosing the path of the weak.

But Aeacus could not be without sympathy. Rowan had been his friend for years. Aeacus had a duty to fulfill.

"I should have never brought you back to the Council," Aeacus muttered. "It was wrong of me to demand of you what little strength you had left. I thought, at the very least, you could be a figurehead. But even when I took the power of authority away from you, letting you remain in that seat like a polished jade idol, you still went out of your way to make a fool out of yourself, me, and the entire Council."

Rowan didn't move.

"I always admired your intelligence, Rowan," he continued. "You were a prodigy. Your father's legacy. I wish I had had a son like you." Maybe that last part was pushing it a little. He cleared his throat. "I used to like your sense of humor. It was dry, scathing, and transcendant. But now you don't seem to take anything seriously. Your blatant disregard for your place in Council meetings is unacceptable, and your insults thrown at the other officials make all of Deepsol look foolish. What is wrong with you, Rowan? Do you take nothing seriously anymore? I never took you for such a weak minded coward."

"None of it truly matters, Aeacus. I know you realize this." Rowan opened his eye. Aeacus couldn't see it but for the tiny glimmer it reflected from the light of the doorway. "But I didn't come here to discuss your personal reveries or my behavior. I came here to..." He paused, looking down. "I need your help. I need any kind of help."

"Rowan, what are you talking about? Of course you need help. You should go home, let your wife take care of you. Don't worry about the Council, we'll do fine without you. Stop troubling yourself over--"

"You aren't listening, Aeacus." Rowan stood up and walked closer, towering over Aeacus. He was a tall man, but if he thought to use his height to impose intimidation, he... "I told you, I'm dying. If something isn't... if something isn't done..." He trailed off, looking exhausted. Instead of heading back to his chair, Rowan sat on the floor. Aeacus stared at him.

"You're being dramatic, Rowan," he said helplessly, although he was fairly certain there was no convincing him. "You aren't dying, and you aren't sick. Nothing is wrong with you."

the scene does not end here, but my inspiration has.

eyes are burning.

2009-07-30T05:44:40Z

i find myself more and more sickened by people.

I was deopped in the chatroom that I've managed for all of its two year existence. Well so be it. It doesn't really bother me so much as the change in attitude that whole place is taking on. I tried to keep out the retarded shit that everyone dragged in with the glomping and the transformation of "sex" into a verb. But it turns out the owner of the site really does like all the kiss ass attitudes people hand his way, and all the stupid childish behavior that turns that place into a brain-cell killing cesspool.

At least I don't have to feel responsible about it anymore. I'll probably stop by but I doubt I'll stay for long.

It sounds like I'm upset about being deopped. I'm not. I'm upset at presumptions people make about me without making any effort to know who I truly am beyond this cracked exterior.

Do you know what I'm sick of hearing?

"Wow you hate everything, don't you?"

I don't understand why people say that. And it's not just people in the chatroom, but it's some outside friends, some co-workers...

Ugh...

Of course the outside observer would see that all those people have one binding element. Me. And that can be the only possible source of the problem.

Well fuck them.

I surround myself with the wrong people.

What happened to that balance I had.

What happened to meek.

Why do I ruin everything like this. Why do I get my hopes up. Why do I have faith in people. Why am I all too eager to imagine that what I see is exactly what I've always wanted, only to realize later that I should have never emotionally invested myself in what I thought was something wonderful.

I find so little reason to go on lately.

I am so incredibly lonely. There is no one out there who really knows me anymore. I'm tired of waiting for the next person who will.

Why do I even bother writing this.

No one will understand it.

Everything melts into a coagulated puddle of indiscernable wretchedness and stupidity.

Fuck the world.

blar blar blah blah blop

2009-07-24T16:37:32Z

So my moods have been wild lately.

I'm so sick of everything. I'm sick of my life. I hate this situation I find myself in. I should do something different to keep my environment positive. Maybe I should take up obsessive cleaning so I'm always living in a nice, aromatic apartment.

I don't feel bad for stepping on my cat. She darted right in front of my feet while I was walking and then yelps at me like I should watch where -I'M- going. I think not, darling.

It's been hard. I need a change of scenery.

This roleplay thing will help. I think this retroactive development of Rowan will make him an all the more impressive villain. My goal is for him to be someone you both love and hate, and your heart goes out to him every time he loses control of himself. Thinking about how he becomes is the most invigorating thing...

11:33. I have to leave in a few minutes.

Last night I had another dream in which I was late to work. I get those a lot. They're stressful, but nothing beats the relief you get when you wake up from them knowing you don't have to worry about being late.

I don't have a lot to say. I just need to vent.

Sorry I fell asleep on you, Cleo.

I can hear the music.

2009-07-22T16:07:15Z

Blood+ is such a good anime. Yes, it has vampires, but when they're done well, without making it really corny or cliche it doesn't bother me in the slightest. The love story is so tragic and so bittersweet that it just takes my breath away.

I hope it doesn't have a sad ending. I can't wait to see the last disc. I'm on disc 4 of 6.

I'll be really annoyed if it just ends the season and I have to wait for the next season to come out.

FMA kind of ended like that, only they said there would be a movie that would come out and finish the story. Had to wait a few months for that. It still had kind of a sad ending, but at least, in the end, Edward and Al end up together.

Poor parallel Edward, though.

It gets me wanting to write, all of it. So inspiring... but all of my stories and their characters, they're inseparable. I wish I could lose myself in it but there seems to be this... bar. Something that isn't letting me let go and shut out the world. I can almost close my eyes and imagine myself as someone else, but it escapes me so quickly.

Everything is hard. Emotionally I'm so imbalanced lately. It's easiest just to numb it out, but then...

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't understand anything.

i'm so confused.

I'm glad I've met you, Cleo. I hope you don't lose your patience with me. I feel like such a disappointment. I'm sorry if I don't make it apparent enough how much I've appreciated you, lately.

I tend to forget to do so.

miserable

2009-07-22T07:12:13Z

miserable

sparrowking @ 2009-06-27T14:18:00

2009-06-27T19:20:48Z

Right, so it turns out I'm fine.

In other news I am emotionally imbalanced and feeling horrible and cannot stop coming down on myself.

The sky was bruised, the wine was bled, and there you led me on.

2009-06-24T16:03:58Z

I really like this song.

I've heard it dozens of times on the radio, though I can't remember if it was at work or in my car (it would make a difference. You see in my car I blast metal and hard rock. At work we have classic rock and pop and alternative playing. It's a nice balance). But one day (today) it's stuck in my head and I have to hear it. I find it on Youtube and find the wonderful video. It's not a very CREATIVE or original video. It's just the band playing and singing, but the main singer does it with such expression that it's absolutely captivating.

Also, probably due to the black and white and lighting effects, the singer himself is positively gorgeous.

It's a sad song. It has a lot of mentions about death. I haven't really poured myself into studying the lyrics, but the song seems to personify death, and how he longs for its release and mythical promises of peaceful rest.

I don't relate it to my own situation. I mean sometimes everything seems absolutely hopeless and death doesn't seem so bad. But it's not a threshold I think I'd ever cross. Right now I'm pretty okay but I remember with sympathy moments when I've felt at the end of my rope.

This SOUNDS emo but it really isn't. Truthfully this is a sincere emotion and a longing for release from one's troubles and the weight of the world, and it's just been perverted and exaggerated by angsty teenagers so much that it demeans the true sincerity of this feeling. I don't have to feel ashamed about this. I don't have to define myself by what kids do or don't do. People who know me will understand me. I don't need anything else.

I've got an appointment for a breast exam today, in a few hours. I found an abnormality or two, and my usual renegade "oh I'll be fine" attitude may not be the best solution to this scenario. I am incredibly frugal and even if I've been sick or had weird pains (such as shin splints and golfer's elbow, well, most likely, it's self diagnosed, so...) I generally just say, "Fuck it, I ain't payin' no bill" in the most grating southern accent I can manage. Usually within a week or two I'm back to normal. But since cancer really has no other symptoms, at least not until you're dying, this isn't something I can afford to just take a chance on.

I do have some distant family history of breast cancer on my mom's side. No one I'm directly related to, just sisters of grandparents and great-grand parents. But family history doesn't always make a difference. Many women get it have no family history, and even more women who DO have history never get it.

I don't know what I'd do if I had cancer. Go through treatement I guess.

Or if I was told I only had a short time to live.

I don't want to be one of those people that you just hear about. "Oh, yeah, I had a sister who died from breast cancer." I don't want to be a third person character in everyone else's stories, some off character who's killed off before the end of the plot. I am the protagonist. Nothing fatal SHOULD happen to be before I'm at least 70. I'm better than that. I'm not a statistic. I'm not some soulless name nobody ever knew.

I wouldn't want to die.

When you hear things like, "You have six months," you think back to all those people on insurance and treatment commercials that were told that and have been fine for like six years. I mean, what do you do. Do you give up or go through treatement? Going through treatement would really ruin any thought of trying to just separate myself from this live and escape to the west coast, like I've always wanted to do (and even more so, lately). But giving up would cement my fate. I don't know, it's all so tedious.

Of course chances are it's probably nothing. Some hardened fat, maybe.

I don't know. I generally don't try to come to a conclusion if I have no way of knowing. I just submit that I will find out eventually, and then I'll react. Until then I've been... not thinking POSITIVE so much as not worrying about it.

There's a teeny part of me that wants something to be wrong with me, so I could shed my responsibilities to support myself, rake in some sympathy, maybe get money from the government, who knows. Most likely this whole event will break me financially if I do have cancer. Oh capitalism. What little mercy you have for the weak.

What grave misfortune that I could be counted among the weak.

sparrowking @ 2009-06-14T01:31:00

2009-06-14T06:31:52Z

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

The Devolution of a Cynic

2009-06-12T04:22:40Z

I spent a great deal of energy at work today (working, but also) thinking. A country song by Garth Brooks called Standing Outside the Fire was playing over in my mind. I've always liked its lyrics, but as my mind continues to evolve (using the word "evolve" to imply that my mind is always gradually changing and adapting, but not necessarily improving) the meaning of the song's words has changed several times, along with my general outlook on life. I'm not going to quote the entire song, but here are a couple of verses, because I'd like to go over what my philosophy is.

They call them cool,
Those hearts that have no scars to show.
The ones that never do let go.
And risk the tables being turned.

They call them fools,
Who have to dance within the flame,
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned.

But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire.
It's not enough just to stand outside the fire.

(OH GOD THERE'S MORE.)

They call them strong,
Those who can face this world alone.
Who seem to get by on their own.
Those who will never take the fall.

They call them weak,
Who are unable to resist,
The slightest chance love might exist.
And for that, forsake it all.

Now when I first heard this song I was very young. Garth Brooks is an old singer and that's an old song. It, of course, was a nice little story about not being afraid to take risks and get hurt.

Over time, and after numerous traumatic moments with people, lost friends, lost lovers, and general misery and loneliness, I accumulated a lot of resentment toward the idea of love (or "love" as people might define it) and settled with the conclusion that life is much easier if you don't open yourself up to people. Even if you're in a relationship, it's always better to brace yourself and prepare the worst that could happen, so that if and WHEN it does happen, you can deal with it that much easier.

It was not so long ago that I thought this way. For several years I kept myself single, though was currently in a borderline-friendship with someone I cared about more than I realized at the time. Stupid me.

During this time, the song was a romanticized fairytale. The message was that the "strong" and the "cool," while outwardly independent and self-sufficient, relatively content, were missing out on the more thrilling parts of life, and may evenly be secretly miserable. The fools chanced it all and got hurt, but at least they were living life. My perspective of course was that I'd rather be the strong, cool guy. Maybe I'd miss out on things, but I would never be on my knees, wracked with pain, losing focus on the things that really matter.

But my outlook has changed. It's bizarre.

This may possibly be, at least partially, the devolution of a cynic.

For two years I've been in a relationship with someone, telling myself that that "something missing" was just my general unwillingness to accept that, it's okay to love someone and I should stop holding back. But the truth was that something WAS missing, and I was so confused by my emotional isolation and self loathing that I didn't know WHAT the hell I was thinking.

My initial problem with the relationship, even in the first months, was that Joel could never tap into my thoughts and understand what went on in my head. I had had friends that could do that easily, so I knew it could be done. Right away I was unsatisfied, and told Joel what I was thinking. I realized that he was truly a selfless, loving person, completely devoted to me, and that I would be a moron to not appreciate that. So I did. I told myself that, over time, he would develop the ability to understand my thinking. And even if he couldn't, I could always find that in friends, right?

But then recently I realized that while I cared about Joel, I didn't love him, and my entire philosophy toward him was a construct to mask my dissatisfaction with the relationship. I was not being honest with myself, and while lying to myself is nothing new, I realized that I could not stay with Joel for the rest of my life. Better to end it now, than have it be much more difficult for him later.

And lately... I've never felt more lucid.

I know precisely what I'm feeling and what to do about it. I'm back in touch with myself. I missed it, and it's fantastic.

I've digressed.

I have been through a lot of relationships, some of them bad, some of them catastrophic, with breakups ranging from harrowing to the-world-is-ending. And while I've slowly built a candy coating of stoicism to filter out the stronger pangs of sorrow and contain misplaced desires, I've come to think...

If you put so much effort into avoiding the pain, does that really make you strong?

If you're unwilling to endure the hardship, doesn't that make you a coward?

If the person, dancing within the fire, gets burned, does he get back onto his feet and try again? Doesn't THAT mean he finishes ahead in the end?

I look at these lyrics now. For the first time, I think I agree with the message.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still housing years of sorrow and grief that makes me cautious. But instead of closing off the world... I think I'd be willing to risk everything, if the situation looks to be worth it.

Maybe it's just been too long since I've been hurt. Maybe I don't have a good scope of how much it really kills you inside. But I think, if I get hurt, hell, then I get hurt. Certainly, it won't be the end of me. I will find my feet again.

As I've written this post I've lost touch on the actual wording I was using in my head. I'm starting to sound preachy and a little bullshitty. I think I'll just end it here.

Take it away, Billy Joel.

Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone.
I'll take my chances.
I forgot how nice romance is.
I haven't been there for the longest time.

ellipsis

2009-06-11T11:03:29Z

does anybody here know cpr

will someone perform it on me once i manage to pull myself back out of this quicksand

hooray

2009-06-10T15:28:58Z

Yesterday at work I was an irritable package of indiscriminate loathing. I liked it. I wasn't GRUMPY so much as I was very lucid and if someone was about to send bullshit my way, I was going to be very prepared to deal with it. It was an emotional stoicism that I haven't really touched since I started allowing myself to become emotionally dependent on Joel.

It was something I sort of forced myself to do so that I'd be attached to him, thinking that the only reason I was leery of a relationship with him was because I was a flawed person who wouldn't allow myself to love anybody. I've now realized that's not true and I can stop lying to myself and return to the Fortress of Solitude in me. I LIKE being emotionally independent.

Anything else is weak.

PS: not hungover but my head doesn't feel good.

Scarlet Pimpernel Lyrics Day

2009-06-08T14:50:29Z

I wasn't born to walk on water.
I wasn't born to sack and slaughter.
But on my soul, I wasn't born
To stoop, to scorn, and knuckle under!
A man can learn to steal some thunder.
A man can learn to work some wonder.
And when the gauntlet's down, it's time,
To rise and climb the sky!

And soon the moon will smolder.
And the winds will drive!
Yes, a man grows older,
But his soul remains alive!
All those tremulous stars still glitter.
And I will survive!
Let my heart grow colder,
And as bitter,
As a falcon in the dive.

Sorry. Lyrical nonsense. That's from a song from the musical The Scarlet Pimpernel, in the perspective of the particularly cruel and desperate constable in charge of finding the vigilante, the Scarlet Pimpernel, who's tasked himself with saving nobles from the guillotine during the French Revolution. I like musicals. I'd like to see that musical in real life some day.

I'm not sure why it's in my head. I woke up reciting words to it in my head. I don't remember what I dreamed about. Something Assassin's Creed-like, I think. I don't remember it being pleasant, but I don't think it was bad.

Things are better.

I mean things are an absolute mess for me. I'm living in an apartment with my now-ex-boyfriend who STILL won't leave me alone. Money is forever an issue. My sister is complaining about mom not giving her money, mom is complaining about my sister asking for money. I'm here, extremely glad I decided to endure things with Joel rather than move back home.

I've got to do something. Get a foothold somewhere. I wonder if I could afford to go to school, then sneak off to California to find a job and leave everyone behind.

I don't like thinking about it.

Much too technical.

But overall, things are better.

Ugh, work. I better not lose my job. My bosses are being fucking jerks again. I have half a mind to quit and just a apply to the Walmart or Sam's Club once it opens up near here.

This is a boring entry. I am a boring person.

But I thought the journal deserved something since the last post.

We shamble on through this hell,
Taking on more secrets to sell.
Till there comes a day when we sell our souls away!

Feel the terror draw ever nearer
The more you stare in the mirror.
But hold your own.
Face the wind alone!

Reel on, love! Toughen your scars
Year by year we're falling like stars
Till there comes a day when we sell our souls away!

sparrowking @ 2009-06-04T01:17:00

2009-06-04T06:17:13Z

Hearts are broken everyday.

He buzzes like a fridge.

2009-06-03T15:20:17Z

I had a disturbing dream last night. The kind that even after you wake up, thoughts and memories of it make you uncomfortable and restless, even though none of it was real, and none of it happened. I won't get into detail, it's a little too disturbing to share. I was screaming for help, I know, or trying to. I couldn't quite find the voice to do it loud enough. And of course, everything in dreams happens like how you expect it to, because it's all in your head.

Every person in my dream is just another extension of myself. They look and sound different, but they are thinking exactly what I'm thinking, because they are truly me. In my dream I was waiting for some guy to leave so I could do something without his knowledge, but he knew that, so he wouldn't leave because I was suspicious of me. I'm difficult to work with. Stupid dreams.

That's how I imagine schizophrenia works. It was something I pondered at, when I was younger. What would it be like to have what feels like another person in your head? Well it's the same person. Even if one personality doesn't know about the other - it's because subconsciously that person is choosing not to know. And the other person IS them - they may have a different sense of self control, different hormones flowing, different thoughts and opinions, but it's truly the same person, and they have the same faults when it comes to intellectual shortcomings - not being good at puzzles, bad judge of character, etc.

I like role playing nutso characters. I'm not entirely sure why. They're more fun, particularly when twisted by sadism. Perhaps it's an outlet for frustration. A consequence-free way of being cruel and merciless. I don't think I'm truly a sadist, simply held back by morality and empathy. That's too simplistic and a narrow-minded way of looking at it. It's probably the same mentality that craves destruction - you get mad, you hit a wall. And everyone would like to be free from responsibility and consequence. We're ruled by it.

Sigh.

Train of thought de-railed.

I was going to go on more about how I'm physically weak and it really, really bothers me that I could never beat anyone in a phsyical contest of strength, and that's possibly why I'd choose to hurt someone inwardly. Not that I have, recently, at least not deliberately.

Well no. I did. With that stupid long LJ post about that forum.

I was going to try harder to bring that forum down, but Somarin played my conscience and told me what I already knew but needed to hear - it doesn't matter. It's stupid to be obsessive about it. Let it go.

Still it feels like I've left something unfinished. I'll get over it, I guess. The primary motivation for that is that I can't stand clique-based communities with heavy favoritism and bias among its leaders - corruption to put it insufficiently concisely.

Does that work? Describing an adverb with an adverb?

Who cares. I think "concisely" was an adjective in that usage, actually.

It doesn't mean I'm going to tear down every community I come across with those sorts of flaws. It was more that I never got a sense of belonging, so I didn't care if I was banned. It was burning a bridge, more or less. Leaving with a bang. Maybe its leaders will try to improve it now, but probably not. Honestly I don't care. That place can rot. It was just the unsuspecting object of my ire.

I'm not making a lot of sense. This stream of thought stuff is bad for my image.

I've done this destructive onslaught thing before - when I just went off onn someone and vented everything I've ever wanted to say to them but had always been too courteous. That was Arc, of course. He represented the sort of person that just drives me crazy. The sort of pretentious, pompous asshole who acts like a dick to everyone, thinks he's smart but of course he is not, and because he has some power in a community, he lords it over everyone because he thinks it makes him superior. I let him have it once, after quitting Ultima Online. Every ounce of frustration I ever had. He defended himself at first. Or tried to. Not much you can do when someone is flooding this at you. Yet he never blocked me, never signed off. He just took it. Even when I got down to insulting his physical appearance (because he thought he was good-looking), and I started feeling guilty, he still took it, until I was finally finished and blocked him myself.

I almost felt bad. I think I genuinely hurt his feelings. I hope so. He needed to get his feelings hurt. Maybe he'll have a little humility and some respect for people.

I'm done with this topic. This is an uglier side of me.

I dream about it sometimes. Sometimes I dream the world is against me, or at least it's corrupt, and only I see it, and no one listens to me. And I scream about it until I cry, because no one is helping me, no one believes or agrees with me. It's very disheartening.

It's a fear I have, I guess.

Something.

Whatever.

It's hard to play World of Warcraft lately. The roleplay hasn't been that engaging. And there have been certain aspects and people in the community that deeply bother me. It's hard to want to log in, but I still want to be part of it. For now, I guess. At this point I wouldn't be so opposed to quitting. It's no longer something that would coax me to stay.

This song is sad. It's not the song I have listed playing. I listen to several songs as I write posts. This one is Jewel - You Were Meant For Me.

Speaks to how I feel about this breakup. Well, not really. Just one line in particular. People pretty much talk to me as normal. No one knows how much turmoil I feel or how terrified I am of the change. I'm supposed to keep that inside, I guess. I've been through this routine before. I know emotionally how I'm supposed to feel at certain points. It always passes. But knowing that seems to demean it. People talk to me without bringing it up because they're like, hey, she needs some stability. Let's remind her that nothing's changed about our friendship right?

I don't know. This breakup has been coming for months. Maybe I've just been prepared for it. Everything I feel seems muted. For a few minutes at I time I feel it all at full strength but then it always gets bottled up again. It feels better, in a sense. I'm not harboring secret doubts anymore. I'm not miserably imprisoned by my own devices.

Now I just feel alone. It's a better kind of torment. Much simpler.

I go about my business, I'm doing fine.
Besides, what would I say if I had you on the line?
Same old story, not much to say.
Hearts are broken every day.

Maybe I'll have the courage to say what I need to next time I get the chance.

sparrowking @ 2009-06-01T00:18:00

2009-06-01T05:18:21Z

lonely as hell

a game of cat and also cat.

2009-06-01T04:26:18Z

I dyed my hair a few weeks ago. That stupid purple-red that goths like.

It was cheap hair color. It faded badly. Every time I washed it, my shampoo froth was pink with hair color.

So I bought a better brand and re-dyed it.

It turned it dark brown with a metallic red shine. And it looks AWESOME. It's nearly iridescent. I'm enjoying this hair color. I hope it doesn't fade too badly.

I spoke to Aries. There was no awkwardness. We rekindled our old rapport easily. It was great. I forget how smart she is. I think she's going to provide some balance and company I need to... to something.

Things have been weird. Difficult and complicated.

I added her to my LJ friends list. We're going to be BFF's now. Maybe we'll hook up and become lesbian lovers. I think I could do that.

sparrowking @ 2009-05-31T07:36:00

2009-05-31T12:42:34Z

The breakup is actually official and everything is tense and angry and sad all at the same time.

And I still can't feel anything.

I'm tired of this.

Yesterday I went to Dan's and spent all day getting drunk. The drive on the way there was... hard. My reaction times were slowed, even when sober. I kept worrying something would happen and I'd lose control of the car. And when I started drinking, I couldn't feel the alcohol. Usually I can notice the point where I start getting tipsy, but even when I was drunk, the only way I could really tell was the vague nausea and lack of balance when I stood up. I couldn't feel it. I don't know if I was blocking that out too or if my head is just so messed up lately that I'm just... not well.

I don't understand what's happening with me.

If I went by logic, I think this is guilt.

And yet I'm still relieved that it's over under all of this.

Ugh I feel sick again.

Off I go to work.

sparrowking @ 2009-05-29T19:32:00

2009-05-30T00:35:16Z

I don't know what song you're covering Josh, but I like this one a lot. I'm not really sure why. Not that it isn't good. I think I'm being needlessly analytical. SHOCKER.

I think I'll message Aries today.

I can use this boyfriend thing as a pity angle to start up a conversation without the "so hey... how's it goin'... what's new... how ya been... so how about that time i quit UO and your guild without saying anything... yeah that was... that was something... sup dude..."

ffwaijwaoqpfueapceankleauie

sparrowking @ 2009-05-29T14:23:00

2009-05-29T19:45:00Z

Tiberius.

Log on you half-Estonian Baron-wannabe.

That's right.

I went there.

Called it.

Come online and defend yourself.

DO IT.

The biggest thing that bothers me is the change. Two years of comfort and familiarity suddenly ending. It's plain and simple shock. Emotionally... I've been prepared for this for months. Waiting for this. I'm relieved. And while Joel did object as I expected he would and disagreed with my reasons for wanting to end it, he surprised me by saying that he'll respect the way I feel, that it's my life and he won't stand in my way (it was phrased less cliche-ly). His reluctant understanding was unexpected, because I'm a realist. But I've always known that he is an intelligent, sensitive person, and I hoped he would be like this.

Of course I entirely expect him to retract that once he spends 8 hours at work with this simmering in his head.

Still, I think it's going to be easier than I anticipated.

I hope.

I'm stuck with daytime television.

Been watching the Dog Whisperer for a few hours now. Cesar is cool. Show's kind of boring.

I'm posting in here because nobody's online.

Guess I could log back into WoW. I have 21 more quests to do for my achievement, but I'm thinking it'll all be from quests that chain from Kalimdor. That's fine. I was hoping to do the Outlands achievement next, but this is fine too. I'll never have to come back to these stupid continents.

Stream of thought ended.

beginning of and end.

2009-05-29T16:00:00Z

"it sounds like you need to honest and have a talk with joel," syri said.

so i was.

things are changing. I'm a lot more relieved than i thought i'd be. a little frightened. we'll see how it goes.

ow ow ow lower back ow

2009-05-29T07:56:21Z

I feel a little guilty for /gquitting Vysage out of Legion at 4am today. Or yesterday. Whatever. But Syri, the only reason I joined that guild, saw Croatoa in Ironforge today and sent a whisper. We got to talking and I told her about everything that's been bothering me lately. Yes, on the one hand I feel bad about not even logging into my main anymore and just playing with Kingship, but I do often forget that we did befriend each other before I even joined her guild. She was a receptive listener and a voice of reason I needed to hear. She is like Tiberius' polar opposite.

I don't make friends with girls very easily. There are few girls I can even take seriously, and of those, most of them are as macho as me and we never put forth enough interest in each other to create a lasting friendship. We worry too much about appearing desperate and a promising acquaintanceship fades into the monotony of reclusion and loneliness we put ourselves through because it's better to be miserable than pathetic. Apparently.

Biggest example of that is Aries. I mean come on, ARIES. She was so awesome and me-like even SHE chose androgynous names - Aries is a male god. She's still on my ICQ list, continuing to exist. But I don't think I'll message her any time soon.

Why does it always have to be ME who puts forth the effort? Why is it always MY pride that gets sacrificed. And of course everyone who suffers from this completely selfish affliction asks themselves the same thing. I see it all the time. And it sickens me that I fall into this somewhat common group of people, and STILL have to find myself dancing on the line of keeping my dignity and going out on a limb.

It was nice venting to Syri though. I haven't had the chance to be completely honest with everything to anyone. Well, except Tiberius, but his bias toward me, without any sympathy for anybody else involved in my life, while heart-warming and comfortingly familiar, doesn't help. I was my only voice of reason until Syri tonight. So good. I constantly need to check myself to make sure that I'm thinking straight.

I need to get drunk one of these nights.

I mean like ACTUALLY drunk.

Not this tipsy shit with pre-mixed cocktails. I think I'll just pick up a bottle of vodka and some orange juice and set my own pace.

I don't know how you do it, Yosaka. You're crazy.

I fell asleep on the couch again today. I fell asleep yesterday too. It's not like I'm not getting enough sleep. Just worn out. Pablo was perched on my leg. Then I rolled over without realizing and almost crushed him. Haha.

I need to stop venting my frustration into this thing. It gives me a bad image.

What other things can I casually complain about or be pleasantly appreciative of.

My artistic deliberate non-use of question marks, perhaps.

More appreciative in that case. I am pretty fantastic.

My hair dye is fading badly. I need to head someplace and buy another box of hairdye and get it back to its proper darkness. Buy a better brand and make sure it says "fade protection" or some bullshit somewhere on the box so at least I can be satisfied that I've done everything HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

My back is killing me. It hurts. It'll pass. I'm going to sleep.

i slept in

2009-05-27T16:13:46Z

I like this song.

I woke up with it in my head.

It has no lyrics. I'm lucky I remembered what it was called and who it was by or I never would have found it.

Now I'm going to listen to my friend Josh sing for a while.

2am and she calls me 'cause i'm still awake

2009-05-27T09:00:07Z

Interesting week it's been.

Ugh.

Finally though I can get some days off work and relax. When I'm at work, I'm always thinking. As is common in insecure young adult women who create problems for themselves by exaggerating situations, misunderstanding their emotions because they are incredible dumbasses, and being all around flawed self-absorbed sadomasochistic creatures, my thoughts tend to bounce around in my head and meet up and fornicate with each other and give birth to new and terrible thoughts that lead to afore-mentioned women making rash decisions and hurting people around them as they're dragged along on their rollercoaster of conceited childish whimsy.

I totally wanted to use the phrase "emotional rollercoaster" but I remembered I already used the word "emotion" in that sentencegraph.

Did you catch that one. I combined "sentence " and "paragraph" into a clever portmanteau.

Because my run-on was so long it spanned over several lines and resembled a paragraph.

The general idea of what I was saying though is that most girls get caught up in their stupid girlish thoughts and make themselves miserable or get themselves into terrible situations. When you hear a girl say "I've been thinking," your first instinct is "oh shit really" because she's about to try to change something "for the better."

Me.

I know those thoughts are stupid.

So instead of me acting like a dumbass I just

you know

this isn't what i wanted to type about when I started typing.

The point was supposed to be that I finally have a few days off so that I can relax, instead of passing the time at work by singing to myself and thinking about stories and roleplays and characters and people. Maybe I'll wowwiki surf and watch daytime crime dramas and play WoW. Maybe I'll head over to Dan's and drink with him and his girlfriend. He's been telling me to start playing my character on his server more and hit 80 so they can run me through heroics to get geared.

Everything sucks lately.

I'm at this certain point where a lot of things seem to be going wrong at the same time and I can't really find relief from it. I try talking to Tiberius but something's missing there. It is nice talking to my friends on IRC, even if it's just a small pleasure. Only light in the dark, recently.

Good GOD I sound emo.

I need a change. Maybe I'll get a haircut or something.

Ugh I'm freezing.

I need to stop thinking about yesterday. Got freaking pulled over by a cop. He was lenient. I got lucky. No tickets, no consequences. I shouldn't worry about it. Fried my nerves for a while though, I'll tell you that.

I'm going to bed.

It's 4am.